last night

wow. it came full circle last night. i've come to realize i do love jay but when he fails me (or anyone does, for that matter), i somehow feel more alone than i ever do, so im constantly searching for companionship. and love is a nice3 little added bonus. so isa and i arent friends anymore and when jay fails me, it hurts more not only because its jay, but because hes my best friend and i thought that i could count on him. but nooo, little miss bubble boob brain barbie bitch has to completely monopolize his time and he doesnt have any brain left for me because she stole it all :). ok theres some comic relief. i need him in my life and i realize how much a) jesse mcccartneys song just go pertains to the situation and b)why should i write songs when pretty much every emotion has been expressed in a song already. I was thinking about this a lot last night and i think i've about covered it. i love victoria christene and everyone who helped me, especially racheal as well. sooo, i think i'll be okay. starting to be.

okay

now that i have cooled off, let me type one to tie up lose ends. ally is not a bitch but i do wish she would go away. I do want jay for myself, and i do get hurt, but this first love thing will be okay. but i did not want him to know.

oh and

why must people turn into horrible hypocritical bitches? seriously i told tori i'd help her and she turned on me. ali said she'd talk to me more, but that didn't happen either. isa said we'd hang out more. even julie said we'd hang out more. karly and amy promised to keep in touch. so did jelin and shivani. i dont even have the same friends i did freshman year. how am i supposed to know who my friends are. i thought friends were supposed to last for more than a year and the ones youve known since birth were supposed to last forever. my moms had a best friend since she was 6. i want that. i am there for EVERYONE! why cant they be there for me! why cant i let them be there for me! im just either angry or sad or focused when i want to forget all the time! i am rarely happy anymore. what the hell s happiness? i am so mixed up!

wow

havent posted in a while, havent felt the need to i guess. not that anyone reads this. so lets see, what has happened. well in english we read beloved by toni morrison and it recommends to relive the past as opposed to suppress it. So im reliving my very recent past. to start (since sisters before misters), i have a new super close friend. he name is brandi elizabeth goss and i actually feel comfortable ranting and bitching to her. so now my best friends are julie, amy ritter, brandi, lauren leisure, alexie, maria, and ill let you know when i think of more.

and jay, damn him, will not quit bugging me. he has (i cant even type her full name) aka bubble brain/bubble butt/ sandra d/ likelike :) and i think im either jealous pissed off or just upset that im not his number one anymore even though he tries to reassure me of this idk if i should even believe him because his pda moments make me want to barf. he asked me out on 9/22/08, one of the greatest days of my life, and then, by thursday, i was ancient history. in my last blog i said i love him, and i'm fairly certain its still true. i dont get like mushy feelings but there's something there. so then i met my "rebound" guy only i feel bad calling him that because he is way more and i feel like i need him. i'm not sure what to do. jay's problem is he cant balance friends and a relationship so i told him he better try or he wont have friends. and i refuse to acknowledge this bitch's existence because she is partially responsible for almost destroying the best friendship i have ever had. so idk if that qualifies as love but whatever the hell it is, it's annoying. hes always on my mind and when theyre together i either want to scream cry barf or all 3. why cant i have jay to myself? thats my underlying issue people. oh and i am so jealous of sandy, i think its still love. because when i was dating him (for 3 days because hes a wimp, might i add), i felt the BIGGEST FREAKIN EUPHORIA I WAS ON CLOUD 9! read my last blog! and i wrote a journal too! my first kiss was from him and now my second and third wont be like they were supposed to be! damn allyson emily strasen! why cant she just go back to bitchtown! i have enough on my plate with college and grades and i barely think about anything else but THEM or rather him. DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT! HE IS SUCH AN AMAZING BEAUTIFUL SWEET FATHEAD! NOTHING GOES THROUGH HIS THICK SKULL! HE ASKED ME TO HANG OUT WHERE I REALIZED I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM! WHEN RHS IS PLAYING AGAINST MY FIRST EX'S SCHOOL! oh boy, this will be funn.